funny / GHB / life stuff

The Mysterious Nothing-Thief

A few weeks ago I got home late and turned on the lights, only to find rooms in disarray.

We had been burgled!

Even our house is usually tidier than this

Even our house is usually tidier than this

As you can imagine we called the police, then started sorting through our scattered possessions, so that we could work out how much had been taken. Eventually we realised what was missing.


The burglar had pulled out drawers, opened boxes and thrown lots of things on the floor… but they hadn’t actually taken anything. We had been raided by a mysterious nothing-thief.

Hahaha, all your nothing is mine

Hahaha, all your nothing is mine

This is all the more peculiar because there were lots of things they could have taken. The thief must have stepped over my laptop in order to pull out some of the drawers. We still aren’t quite sure how they got in and out of the house, either.

The most likely explanation is that the burglar jemmied open the front door, turned over the house looking for cash, and then ran away when our neighbours got home. But that’s a boring explanation, so I’ve been coming up with more interesting stories.

For example, maybe our house was raided by spies. They were looking for something (a microfilm holding secret documents, or the remote control for a superweapon) but couldn’t find it. If that’s the case, I should probably expect visits from suspiciously polite men in dark suits and shades, dropping hints about ‘the item’ or wanting to buy our house.

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Or maybe the thief didn’t steal anything, but left something. Perhaps they knew they were being followed, and needed to hide the ancient artefact of power somewhere, so it didn’t fall into the wrong hands. (I will probably work out where it is once it starts glowing and giving me prophetic dreams.)

Must check whether the Grail is down the back of the sofa

Must check whether the Grail is down the back of the sofa

My favourite theory is that the poor burglar found themselves blundering in the dark through a very weird house, and gradually got scared. It looks like they stumbled across my life-size lightsaber, all my period costumes, a drawer of fancy dress wigs that look a bit like scalps, the bottles of fake blood (I swear there’s a good reason for those) and the vampire-hunting kit. If so, no wonder they fled into the night, terrified that the crazy, time-travelling, vampire-stabbing, people-scalping Sith Lord might come home at any moment!

A friend gave me this vampire hunting kit - and perhaps it scares away burglars too!

A friend gave me this vampire hunting kit. Maybe it’s also a burglar-repellent..

Can you come up with a better story to explain the mysterious nothing-thief?

5 thoughts on “The Mysterious Nothing-Thief

  1. Perhaps the thief suddenly realised they were in the house of a writer, and left at once in embarrassed awe. (I’m sending a virtual hug, though – upsetting experience!)

    • I can see that a thief might flee from the abode of a writer. We’re dangerous sorts when riled. I might have attacked him with a sharpened quill, or pelted him with long words. (Thanks for the hug! I’m just very relieved that we got off so lightly!)

  2. Or word has got out about the draft of a prophesied dangerous novel which they hoped to steal and make their fortune by selling to a powerful magician? Good that you are able to turn something potentially negative into a positive this way, have a virtual hug from me too.

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